moii life..

2012-01-02T10:52:00.002+08:00

How do I describe my life now? Falling back to normal without you, or is it a new start without you?

This time round I know I'm different. I learnt, maybe. I learn that there are certain things, no matter how hard we try, it just doesn't work. Usually I choose to try, do whatever I want, first not to lie to myself and second, at least I'm not just waiting for something to fall from the sky. I choose to stand here and do nothing, not because I don't want it as much, but because it's so important that I know I can never to afford to lose it. I lost many, and I don't want to make him one of my collections.

God, I refused to let you decide my destiny, I fought. I did whatever I could, now I'm all tired. I know the determination in me is still flowing, it's just that I know this is all I can do. I hate to say, I got to leave it to fate. Right till the end of 2011, I still remember my mind saying, "Let time decides, if we're meant to be, let us meet again, and it's hopefully finally at the right time".

I might change, you might change, we might change, feelings might change. But I selfishly hope you would remember me as someone who had true fully want you, need you and love you.

2011-12-23T11:09:00.002+08:00

It's not that I love not enough.

I hope my faith, your effort, can bring us through.

2011-12-18T11:01:00.002+08:00

Wei Shan, you are ____.

I know what was the answer, I believe. Love.

2011-11-25T17:02:00.002+08:00

Actually I'm quite excited about it. Just 2 more days to my 19th birthday.

And, I really hope, yet, dare not to hope he knows about it.

2011-10-24T19:43:00.002+08:00

I still kind of believe it's a mutual feeling.

For the past one month, it've been so tiring. I feel so drained out, sometimes I feel as if I'm destroying myself slowly. This time, I just feel like backing out, moving on, unlike previous time.

One will never know this feeling. I fall in love with the most complicate guy, I call him unique. I don't mind what he had or did in the past, because I truly like who he is. I accept who he is and therefore I'm never angry when he did not answer my calls, did not reply my text messages, when he made excuses become reasons. We're in two different world, but we enjoy each other's company. We find each other weird, yet, we feel comfortable with each other.

His smile, will be the last thing I want to forget, at least, for now. He made me smile at the smallest thing when I'm alone. We knew each other not long, but I'm sure we've created some memories, or history when we look back in the future.

Those happy moments we spend together, difficult times we went through together, those support we gave each other, we surely, somehow mean something to each other.

I gave the deepest thought about both of us, feeling afraid I would lose another important someone in my life. I chose to lie, to secure what we have.

If my feeling is right, if you really do have feelings for me too, we might be the best example for that two who fall in love yet not meant to be together.

Too many things are between us, so many things, I can't even count. I kept holding back, preventing myself to inject more hope in you. Knowing, one day, we still need to leave each other. Maybe he need someone less serious about relationship, because he know someday, he'll leave that girl for what he love to do in life. He need someone who can accept what he is and not feel down when he gives her less attention. I accept, yet, I'm often affected, because I care way too much.

Edmund, for so many times, I feel like moving forward, going on, leave you, and just maybe find someone who suits me more. I'm happy enough for what we have, you gave me enough, more than what I expected from you. But I'm afraid, afraid of wanting more when at the same time I know that's all you can give me.

I'm pretty much done of trying, if you want me, tell me.

2011-10-17T21:19:00.002+08:00

Maybe I've reached an age whereby god wants to show me, I really need to be more independent and learn to love myself. I've been relying too much, on others. And now when most of them leave, I just feel lost, so lost.

Those you trust, those who've been always there. Feelings just tell me, it can never be the same anymore. They've most likely, left.

And for him, I've been acting so strong, but deep down, I'm really tired. It's not easy people.

2011-10-15T21:21:00.002+08:00

Where were you when I needed you most?

You simply made me feel you're just curious with what's happening around me, and not truly care. This really make me feel upset, sad, disappointed.

I divert all my trust to you, because you showed me, you are, you will always be there. But why must the situation prove me wrong? I feel so much of insecure I swear. Sometimes I don't even feel scared, because I just feel too tired about it.

2011-10-02T12:09:00.002+08:00

I'm so afraid I would forgot this feeling, so I decided to blog it.

"You smile, I melt." This sentence totally relate to my situation. Times spend with you, can be the happiest moment on earth. I believe you're on my top 10 best memories list.

When I'm beside you, sometimes, I really feel I'm more special to you compared to other girls. However, I still do feel scared, I still feel insecure. Most likely because both of us are having a new start soon. We're going to meet new people, I can't stay with you like how I did for the past few months anymore. My place gonna get replace, I might not be the one standing there watching you perform anymore, I might not be the one sending you those text before you perform anymore and soon I'm just a passerby to you.

Since the day I decided to follow my heart, I accepted who you are. I know how far we can go. I'm going to get hurt, but I wouldn't mind, because I know I really likes you. You're the one who make me happy, I feel comfortable with you, so comfortable. I smile, I laugh, I talk, I rant, I complain, I concern. I really do like you, you know? You made me ignore the consequences after all.

Because I'm totally in love this time. But I shall just wait and see, because I won't want to destroy this friendship we have. :)

2011-09-30T22:35:00.002+08:00

I'm like a bomb, I might explode anytime. I will kill those who're bugging me and myself.

I'm getting too tired. And I just realised problems have never been solved. I simply mitgate it and dumped it one side hoping it would disappear. But it didn't, it's back to haunt me.

I'm not going to care anymore. Last warning. Bye.

2011-09-06T12:34:00.002+08:00

I don't blame people for judging me. Sometimes I feel I'm the world simplest person to understand, sometimes I find myself the world hardest to understand.

You won't understand how excited I can get with lil things. You won't understand how happy I can get with the smallest thing people could ask for. You won't understand those what you call flirtatious is actually just being plain friendly to me. You won't understand the way I see things because I put myself in many ways to see it, not just "from your point of view".

You call me lack of control, basically it's actually not. It's in me, I don't find it wrong to say what I think. Instead, I have to say to let me feel better.

You call me weird, I don't know, that's just how I act.

You call me flirt, then you're just plain surface.

You say I don't know anything, basically you haven't know me enough. Understand this logic of "Act blur live longer".

You call me confused, yes I am, because I don't just care for myself, I basically think for everyone.

You call me sensitive, looking back, how can I not be?

You call me strong, I might not be. I cry, every night.

You call me weak, I might not be, I wipe my tears and went through storm.

You call me naive, I am not, anymore. I've seen many things.

You say I love many, no. I like many, but I only love one. The one who I let go of.

I don't have many boyfriend, I have many guy friend.

2011-09-06T00:07:00.002+08:00

Today will be one of those days I'll never forget. :)

I'm happy enough. That's all I would ask for.

2011-09-04T01:33:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I remember what happened that day. The way we looked at each other, so funny. Haa. Things changed, you changed, I changed. Even though I had never forget you, I nearly forgot about this. And I doubt you even remember.

Why are you so cruel? I know, people have to move on, but are you moving on why too fast? Sometimes I think my biggest dream would be you moving on a little slower that time.

It's time to forget Wei Shan, come on. It's going one year.

2011-09-01T15:33:00.002+08:00

Wei Shan, I've seen you in and out. Those are not the ones you want to talk to, you only want to talk to him.

2011-08-21T19:35:00.003+08:00

I have been very strong, didn't I?

If my life were to end now, I would be so proud of myself. How many "impossible" have turn out possible? How many ups and downs have I overcome? God, did I at least passed your test? I believe I did. You've been throwing me alone, now you should guide me, right?

Do you know how unstable I am? I'm so afraid I can't take any more blows anymore. I feel me falling, I can sense myself breaking into pieces. I love myself, I don't want to destroy myself.

I cried alone in the room, I looked at myself in the mirror, I hated myself, why you so weak? I thought it was enough. I forced my body to the extreme. I worked from day to night, I don't want to think. But I was still crying in the night. I pulled myself, I wiped those tears, how can I destroy "me" again?

I'm scared, I know I miss him. That him who will never return. I miss that him who use to stay with me, the guy I wanted to marry, the guy I wanted to spend my time with. He made me forgot the guy I used to think I can never get over. I miss those time spend with him. But why make me realised, those wasn't him? I fall for someone who had never seems to fall in love with me before.

Pride is holding me back, friends are holding me back, promise are holding me back. My mind have been consistently sending messages to my heart. What if one day I'm tired of reminding myself? Will I break down again? Will I? Tell me. Tell me what will happen next. I don't know who to trust, I don't know what move is right and what is not right. Tell me what to do. I don't want to guess, go trying every different route. I'm lost, very lost.

2011-08-17T11:09:00.002+08:00

That was the last thing I wanted from him, cruel. Be as cruel as you want, as long as I'm able to move in, nothing hurts more than loving him. Watching him leave, nothing seems to impact him. I don't see him feeling a little sad, I don't see him holding back. He's doing great, with those girls out there.

He was cruel, cruel enough. And this caused, my change.

2011-07-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

I just want to be happy, do whatever I want to do. Because I know all these will only last for awhile.

I don't want to have second doubt anymore. I'm tired of thinking twice. That's not me. I don't like to be restricted, why can't I do what I want? Who cares if you're annoyed? When annoyed then talk about it. Lol.

Seriously speaking, I don't know what am I hoping. Friendship or something even more? Oh, stop those crap, maybe I just need you to talk to me.

Go ahead saying I'm dumb, this dumbass feeling happy now.

I might regret, I might. But that's what I want now isn't it?

I might be a lesson to you, you might regret how we met, you might regret what you've done. I regret how impulsive I was, but you know what? I had never regret, all these.

2011-06-24T22:23:00.003+08:00

Hi blog. I hate to see you actually.

God, it's really hard for me these few months. Can you tell me what to do? Or at least, hint me? I'm so lost, I can't see any light.

Maybe I've not been trying hard enough, or maybe, I don't even want to stop all these. Or most likely, I still hope everything can go back like before. Gullible much, I know right. Haa. Sometimes I just want to laugh at myself. So useless.

I can't recall when was the last time I felt happy. How long ago was it?

2011-06-21T23:03:00.002+08:00

I've been crying so much after I met you.

Remember when we just knew each other? I swear that was the best part of my life. It's way too short, yet, sometimes I thank god for not being too long. If not I wouldn't know how can I live it through after you left.

Life have been moving on well, but, why are you always haunting me? Or rather, I'm haunting myself. Why believe? Believe those words you used on maybe not only me. So dumb for still smiling when I think about that.

How many stupid things must I do for you? How do I even go to that extend?

Knowing I don't even come across your mind. But you know? Everyday you are, without fail, in my mind.

Tell me how you enter my life so easily. Tell me have you ever, at least be honest of what you told me. You're tearing me apart, I swear. I don't know how long more I can stand here. Trying to deny whatever I'm hoping. Trying to put you out of my mind.

I kept on saying I don't want to meet you anymore. But you know, the fact is, I only hope I can meet you once more. I'm always looking out for you, hoping you're just right in front of me.

2011-06-16T22:04:00.002+08:00

It seems like whenever I'm back to blog, it's when I realised something or something that really bothers me happened.

I read back all my tweets, my intention was to see how much I've improved. I thought, I moved on quite a lot. Indeed, I moved on a lot compared to past few months. However besides that, I realised something that really shocked me. It seems like I saw the entire process of how I lost my real self. I lost courage, create fear and I became so much helpless. I can see so clearly at one point of time, I couldn't seek for any help from anyone. And I clearly remember why. I was in a position whereby I have to stand by my own. And maybe therefore, it'd hard for me to trust now.

2011-06-09T16:19:00.003+08:00

I don't have the courage to tell people that the fact is I'm not happy every single day.

Tell me how can I be happy, with things happening consistently with this character of mine?

Sometimes, I really feel embarrass when I tell people, "I feel happy everyday.". My mind goes, "oh, come on.".

People always think I'm someone who can be understand easily. But when I really think back, are you sure you guys understand me when I can't see anyone of your understanding me.

Funny part is, at my lowest point, people can tell me I'm too happy. Haa. And you say you know me? You sure?

My words are misleading, you need to know me to know what I really mean and what tone I'm using.

It's hard, hard when I can't even recall anyone now understanding me. It almost seems like none.

2011-04-24T00:07:00.002+08:00

You didn't make any promise, or rather, you were too sweet that you don't even have to make one to convince me.

Time flies, things changed. People I thought that can never be replace, got replaced. Things I thought could never stop affecting me, stop affecting me. I thought my whole life would get so stuck with him but yet, I walked out, because I met you. But so? You left me.

2011-04-05T12:42:00.002+08:00

Heart beating fast when I see you, hands trembling when I text you, eyes tearing when I read your replies, heart breaking when I think about you, friend, finally you're just a friend to me. Too much changes, I can barely count. From top to bottom, in and out. It's stupid to change for a person but I'm glad I didn't change to the bad eventhough I know I've did many stupid things, but this is my learning process. I've learn not to hold on too long, not everytime in life following our heart is the right thing. You pull me out from my unrealistic world, showed me how life could be. You used to say I'm a small girl, maybe I am still to you, but you know? You know how much I've grown up? You wasn't with me most of the time, but you taught me a lot, with your cold attitude, straight forward rejections and behaviour. I don't blame you though I really dislike you for how heartless you were. But I know why you did all these. Because I was too stubborn, too irritating, if I were you, I would do the same thing too. Thinking back, you're nice enough to me. Never once you didn't reply me. Though you used stupid excuses but now when I think back..thank you so much for at least using excuses to shoo me off. Haha. Maybe from the start till now we've too much, too much that we don't understand, or rather we misunderstoos each other's intension. Now, when time passed, when I don't see things so near anymore, I realised many things, understand many things, and this are things you've been hoping I would understand, am I right? :)

2011-03-21T01:23:00.002+08:00

That place seems so scary, too scary. It's no longer a place I can seem to stay. People there seems too scary, so heartless. They left me thinking. A place I miss, a place I had so many memories with actually turm out to be a place I feel afraid of. Too many, there's too many things and people I don't bare to leave. But it seems like I have no more choice this time. Leaving for good, before something bad really happens.
Looking how some help me, I feel so touched, so touched. Friendships I've form there, isn't what I can explain with one or two sentence. We complained, we laughed, we stayed together and how we helped each other. Looking one by one leave, I feel more and more insecure. Does anyone understand how this feel?

I believe god won't let us meet again.
Maybe our fate have end here. Sometimes I don't understand why we even meet each other when we have to end it in such a way. You left me like it had never matter and I'm left here still somehow stucked in the middle. I thought I'm so strong, I can move on, doing so well. But somehow I still can't forget what had happened. It happened too sudden, ended too sudden. I didn't regret my decision, I know it reduce my pain but you know, it was far too harsh. But nomatter what, from you I've learn, learn that I like you, but I love him.

2011-03-09T11:12:00.002+08:00

Consistently letting people in my life, my mistake. If I could be stronger, everything wouldn't be like that. What people feel seems more important than how myself feel. Life should not be like that isn't it? I should feel for myself, my happiness is more important than anything, am I not right? Everyone seems selfish, they kept showing me how they feel, force me to think for them, give in. Oh come on, how much more you want? Tell me. Stop being selfish can you? I don't think I can hold it any further. I'm enough of giving in.

Stop telling me what to do, I hate people who control my life.
Stop threatening me of how bad you would feel, if you love me, you would stop because you know I'll feel bad.
Don't find me anymore, I don't want to see you.
Stop asking me question and don't get it when I answer.

And for those friends, I still feel the pain because I trusted you guys. Those trust wasn't there anymore when those words came out from your mouth. Please remember this, I'm still with your not because I need your, it's because I want your to be still in my life because I believe one day, I won't be misunderstand anymore.

I know I've fallen for someone else, but I believe no matter how many more guys I'm going to fall for, I will never love them more than I love you. Everytime I look at you, talk to you, I feel heartache.
There's so much I want to tell you because I know you misunderstood my actions so much. But can you at least know, I'm trying so hard to move on all because I love you that much. The saddest part is not being able to have you in my life anymore, even as a friend.

2011-03-08T20:54:00.002+08:00

I can't believe this, you were once the reason why I camp in front of my computer, and now, you are the reason why I appear offline.

2011-03-05T14:11:00.001+08:00

I want to text you randomly, I want to update you about my jokes, my life. Because I really enjoy having you as my friend. Or is it because, I want to share my every moment with you and keep you by my side?

2011-02-26T22:08:00.002+08:00

I've did whatever I can.

Though you told me nothing would be affected but afterall I don't have faith on you anymore. Waited in front of the computer, hoping you could talk to me. This have happened so often and you disappoint me so often that I don't hold any hopes on you anymore.

You know, I was really hoping, really waiting for you to turn back. But not just you didn't, you go further, so far that I could not catch up anymore. I'm so tired, though it's just a short period of time. Sometimes I find myself falling apart.

You know, I feel so sad, so not motivated now?

2011-02-21T20:01:00.002+08:00

Why am I starting to hate?

Sometimes, when I look into the mirror, I swear I felt this sense of guilt. Deep down I know so much, I don't deserve all this.

2011-02-19T11:13:00.002+08:00

So many times people disappoint me. Sometimes I feel so tired, I feel so not appreciated, being misunderstood. But those can't stop me from being who I am, isn't it?

It's really sad knowing thats what you think I am, after knowing you for sometime, thinking you're someone who I can trust and stay with but afterall I guess you isn't. The worst part was when I tried explaining and you stopped me.

You might feel bad about it, you might regret it, you might have tried saying sorry to me indirectly but sometimes it's too late. Because I did give you chance to explain, you didn't.

I've forgive you but I'm so sorry, I can't forget it.

2011-02-14T18:39:00.002+08:00

I don't hope much. I just hope you don't hurt him as much as he hurt me.

He is a nice guy, remember that. He has a very kind heart. When he say something, he most likely mean it. Please don't take him for granted.

For some whatever reason you can't feel it but you're effing lucky. Because you got something I hope I can but I can never. Cherish him, or even, as a friend.

2011-02-09T23:30:00.003+08:00

I don't know how long I can take it. I just want to be happy again, can I?

Whenever I see people moving on like no mama business, I swear I admire them to the max. They might seems heartless, they might hurt someone who really love them and they really love but they are the ones who really knows how to love themselves. So shouldn't we admire them for that?

This few days, I kept reminding myself, those days are over. But you know, you know how difficult is it to really accept it? Do you mean those days dosen't matters to you at all? Do you? I hate crying at night, non stop thinking during day time, feeling so awful yet I have to keep on going, tell my stories to people like a joke when my heart is bleeding and having this stupid brain which never become sensible. God, are you sure I can pull this through? Are you sure you have better plans for me? Are you sure the next guy can get my trust? Maybe he can, but he gonna leave me anyway, right?

Ask me why am I so negative. Don't ask stupid question, try experiencing it. Try it. My heart is too weak, so please stop.

Wake me up, from all these. I hate tearing, I hate feeling helpless. Please, I beg you, let me off. Wei Shan, it's time to wake up. Please.

2011-02-07T20:32:00.002+08:00

Non stop problems, non stop depressing about some whatever thing. Sometimes I really hate myself, I already have enough thing to worry about and yet I have to spare some thought for others. How many people must I please in life? I'm so tired of all these. I don't even know how long I can live, must I spend my life wasting my time away thinking for you people who had never ever spare a thought for me?

I seriously don't know how I spend this 2 months, it seems such a short time but every single day I find my time passing so slow. I can't stop thinking. This helpless and lost feeling is just too overwhelming. At certain point of time I can really feel myself falling so hard and not knowing how to get up. Whenever I remember what you've did, seriously, it's killing me inside out. Sometimes I don't even remember how to breathe, it's just too hard you know? Why must you leave this way? I don't know. I just can't believe you can just come and go like nobody's business. I'm not a water cooler.

I've gave my last shot, believing I'll feel much better, knowing which direction to go. I really hope I did not make the wrong decision. Looking at how you act I would say I felt better but I guess I have to really know where I stand.

For this someone from the past. I swear I hate the feeling of knowing you're so special. Indeed the past but you happens to really got me. But I believe I would never fall for you anymore because I guess you really make things clear in a hurting yet direct way.
I've heard storys about you, I felt disappointed about you but I still believe you're very kind, deep inside.

And as for her I don't know how long I can stand you anymore. I'm far to tired to entertain your childish-ness.

2011-01-17T22:59:00.002+08:00

It's so torturing, you know?

Mummy, why don't I know how to let go? Why am I not born to be more heartless, or in a nicer way, stronger?

I love the way we started, because that period of time was the best period in my life. I remember myself smiling in the bus, smiling to myself just by thinking what you said, what you posted on my facebook wall. We wasn't close, but yet I felt so attatched to you. Those nights I spend talking to you online wasn't part of my life, it was all because I want to, really want to.

Remember how you persist about what you want. I lost you, day by day. You told me, I can find you back, but now can you tell me, can I still ever find you back?

Where is the guy who kept looking out for me in the crowd, where's the guy who care for me so much? Spend night brain storming party games for me. Tell me. Every single memory, seems more and more far to me, but, do you know how real it feel?

The first guy I know I'm all the while finding. The first guy I stepped out trying. Must I give up like that?

Do you remember when you promised me fetching me there? I don't love you for the rides you can offer me, I don't want all those. All I want was, your sincerity to spend your time with me. Do you remember how you gave me your number? I won't forget. I will never. Never.

But why did you ended up come telling me, "Why tell me you're moving on when I did not even hold you back?". Was that what you feel from the start? Am I just a game?

2010-12-29T10:23:00.002+08:00

Blog, do you know how reluctant I am to update you? Whenever I blog, something must have happened.

I hate myself for not being able to get over. Life is not like that.

He asked me, why don't I care for everything? Haa. Is he telling me a joke? Why am I like that now? Because I care too much, too much that I don't even know how to explain. Maybe I should just accept the fact that people come and go, there're a millions of things that is consistantly changing, moving. There're things in life, I have to let go because it afterall does not meant to be mine.

Come on, the year is ending, end this alright Wei Shan?

2010-12-23T01:02:00.002+08:00

I'm tired heart, let me off. The whole day you're aching. From morning. Or, from many days ago. But it just happens that the thing you care most turns out bad as well?

You know what? This time round I seriously have no confidence I can pull it through. I'm already stuck, from the very first when it started.

2010-12-22T21:56:00.002+08:00

I'm really crappy when every single time, when holiday is here, things happen. Good things I won't mind, but why is it always bad thing? Holiday seriously have some issues with me.

It's sad to know the person who always stand by you still could not understand your thoughts and actions.

Recent years, suddenly I realised how many people I've chased out of my life. Knowing they're important to me but still letting them leave. It's hard to say why, maybe I just don't want to wait till they leave me. I don't want to be left watching them leave anymore.
You know, it's really nice receiving a text from you today. I know how sad you felt when we were ending the conversation, I felt really sad too. But you know, if I hold you back, I just don't know what gonna happen.

If weekday is gonna be like my weekend, fine, I won't stop you as long as after all these, you can show me light.

I hate to live in fear, it's not supposed to be like that. I should see everything with a positive mind set. Not feeling afraid, afriad it'll be like that past.

Friend, how are you doing up there? Until now, I still have this thought of, "Why leave? Why leave us?", I might not feel better if you are still with us but friend, I miss you. "Smile and chase Mr Sadness away", you said. Does that really works, friend?

2010-12-03T20:45:00.004+08:00

Ask me how am I feeling, I know I can't use any big and wonderful words to describe my feelings, but this is my feeling:

"My mind is blocked, I'm all distracted. My heart is down, I find it heavy. My eye will form tears by itself. I can't seems to listen what people say for more than 10 sec. I just don't feel like talking. My body is weak, I'm too lazy to move around, I don't even want to text."

2010-11-21T12:40:00.002+08:00

A is for Alexandra Mui
1) Do you love this person?
Hell yeah! :D
2) Is this person your enemy?
Never. :) But she might beat me up somedays.
3)Would yo hug this person?
Yes yes. I would.

B is for Brion
1) What do you really think of this person?
Great. My good boss. :)
2) What's their favourite colour?
Oh man, no idea. Haha.
3) Ever dance with them?
Nope nope.

C is for Chris See
1) What do you think of this person?
Successful, nice and someone I really look up to.
2) How far does this person live?
Just..real far.
3) How old is he/she?
28

D is for Ding Geng
1) How long have you known this person?
Like.. 2 months?
2) Do you like this person?
Yes. I do.
3) Do you hate this person?
At times I would say.

Skip E, don't have.

F is for Farsihah
1) Have you ever date this person?
Nono.
2) When is the next time you'll see he/she?
Tomorrow. :D
3) Do you go school with them?
Nope.

G is for Geraldine Yeo
1) Have you ever heard this person sing?
Yes I did.
2) What's his/her pet's name?
No pet.
3) Will he/she repost this?
Nope, she won't even see this.

H is for Hisham
1) What grade are they in?
NYP, year 3.
2) Is he/she your best friend?
Good friend. :)
3) Ever done something illegal with this person?
Never we will.

Skip I

J is for Jing Han
1) They have any siblings?
Yup, one younger brother.
2) Do you know their favourite song?
Nope.
3) What would you do if he/she confess to you?
Knowing it's impossible.

K is for Karen
1) How old were you when you first met?
17.
2) Do you like him/her as a friend?
Yes I do. :)
3) Would you go Disney World with this person?
She would go with her child. Haha.

L is for Li Ting
1) Is this person older than you?
A few months? Lol.
2) Is this person single?
Yes, she is.
3) How many times do you talk to them in a week.
At least once. :)

M is for Mandy
1) How old were you when your first met?
10. :)
2) What's his/her pet's name?
Melody.
3) Ever dance with this person?
Yes. Haha!

N is for Nadine
1) How old were you when you first met this person?
13.
2) Do you like this person?
Yes I do.
3) What would you do if you never met this person?
Lose a lot of fun.

Skip O

P is for Priscilia
1)Have you ever been to mall with this person?
Of course!
2) How about sleep over with them?
Yes yes.
3) Does is person have a job?
Currently no.

Skip Q

R is for Ru Bin
1) Have you heard this person sing?
Nope.
2) Will he/she repost this?
Nope, he wont see this.
3) When does this person look best?
No idea.

S is for Serene Yeo
1) Is this person taller than you?
Lol. Yes!
2) Do you enjoy spending time with them?
Yes I do.
3) Are they your friend?
Yes yes!

Skip T & U

V is for Valerie Neo
1) Would you do anything for him/her?
Depends.
2) Would you consider them as a friend?
Yes!
3) Have you ever met his/her family?
Yes! :)

W is for Wenda
1) Is this person loud or quiet?
LOUD!
2) Have you ever seen this person dance?
Don't think so.
3) What eye colour does this person has?
Black.

Skip X and Y

Z is for Zhi Jie
1) Do you have this person's msn?
Yes.
2) What is his/her favourite sport?
Lol. Watch tv.
3) When did you last see this person?
Last week.

After doing this, I feel even more bored.

2010-11-20T23:33:00.003+08:00

I lost more than what I thought was okay.

Don't come telling me you care, don't promise me anything if you are not even sure if you can fufill it. Don't come flirt me when you're not serious about me. Don't come get close to me whenever you're bored and leave when you're having fun. Don't come showing me all your sincere when it won't last.

I won't entertain you anymore. I won't care anymore. I won't approach anymore. I won't let you leave me anymore. And, I won't trust you anymore.

Don't blame me for being heartless, don't blame me for being cold. Ask your own species what they have done to me!

2010-10-05T17:32:00.002+08:00

Nomatter what happen tomorrow, please, give me the courage to face it. If it's time to let it go, let it go. Don't let history repeat.

2010-09-25T21:20:00.002+08:00

I'm tired, you know?

I didn't admit it but obviously I know how special you are. I don't know what you want, really. You said I confused you, you know, you confuse me even harder. Pardon me for blogging me all this, understand that this is the only place I can really use words to describe myself.

I don't born to wait. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Yes, if that's what I want, why not? But, I have no idea what is worth waiting anymore. Can you give me some hints? I told you I just need someone to guide me, it's you! Maybe you understand, maybe you don't but whatever it is, forget it. We just don't seems to get things right.

You made me smile, in fact, you made me melt. But you failed to stay throughout. You failed to prove me what I thought was wrong, you failed to stay with me. You know how hurting is that? I feel like saying "You freak!" right to your face! To your FACE! You throw me down from heaven you bitch!

Now what you want me to do? I don't have directions anymore.

You make me feel so useless, so weak, so stupid. Playing me around. Shouldn't I be more careful? Didn't I prevent myself from getting all these shit?

Don't worry, I experienced it before, I don't want this to be worst than before. I move on, I'll move on.

2010-09-23T17:54:00.002+08:00

It've been going a week. Things happened, things changed. Your past confuse me, it made me have doubts in you. Who don't have past? I know. But, you know those insecure feeling?

From that moment I cried, I know, you meant differently from others.

Let us try out for next week. Let us, know where we are, what we are to each other.

I would allow any lost of friendship anymore.

2010-09-18T22:38:00.002+08:00

When it happens today, can you promise me it will happen tomorrow as well?

Does those experience made me stronger or weaker? I don't know how to explain that. But I know this time round I'm different. Is this call the lack of confidence or I can call it the increase of self-control? I seems to be hiding behind a protective layer. I don't want to face it so directly anymore, trying to decrease the chances of getting hurt to the lowest. Old memories flash back like a million times, reminding me mistakes I'm made. It's not cool having a brain like a dvd player.

PS: Please don't blame me for being such a coward, it just happens because I was once too brave.

2010-09-18T02:59:00.002+08:00

It've been such a long time coming online in late night, checking whether somebody is online and start catching up with him. I have done that before but just.. I lost this habit long ago.

2010-09-04T14:19:00.002+08:00

I've 100 reasons to move on but because it's you, I need 101 reason to move on.

In the future, when someone elses likes you and you reject them again or when you like someone and she rejected you. You'll really wonder, how I take all these?

Remember the first time I saw you, I didn't know you'll bring such big impact to my life. For this two years, you take part almost everyday of my life although we don't get to meet often. Sometimes I really wonder how would my life be if I had never met you? Will I also be who I am today? Or I'm someone more carefree, less mature, more naive?

You know, small little things you did really made my day. Though it's just for a day, I'm happy enough. Remember when you just came back and you texted me, that day, I was really happy but fear is there, I know this you can only be for today and indeed the second day you're a different person. I really appreciate you for companying me, I thank you for that. Not just that time, maybe a few times but it's enough, I'm thankful enough.

Looking at you, I know how annoying I am to you. I really hope I don't understand that facial expression of you but too bad I do.

I miss the smile you once gave me.

I tried my best, really.

I just want to say this although it's dumb, but even if I get to choose again, I know I'll still love you because... I seems to really like you.

I've think about it this few days, I don't know why, I don't hate you for doing such mean stuff to me. But still.. I guess I had found another reason for me to move on.

2010-09-02T21:42:00.004+08:00

I know it's not worth it.

I waited for weeks, counting down everyday. What happened was even worst than what I expected. It wasn't people around that cause this horrible feeling but you.

You know, I really tried, I tried acting normal. I tried to cherish whatever time I'm spending with you. I really tried to feel happy when I know I should be happy enough that you're around but, I can't. You can be right beside me but, I can't feel you there. At one point of time I really thought I was talking to the wall. At one point of time I really want to slap you and walk off but I can't because I know how difficult is it to get all these. I know how much I want to just, stand beside you. I'm know all these are annoying, pointless or even idiot. But, I can't help. You know what hurt me most? Is when I realised the only time you finally seems so lively talking to me is when you ask me to help you something. That really killed me. You know? YOU KILLED ME!

My pain, is so deep inside that I can't even shed a tear. Just by thinking, my heart sank right to my stomach. Why? Why am I suffering all these? Am I really that...? Are you sure, I just worth that reaction you gave me? Am I just that shameless to you? You know how sad, no, not sad, how demoralise I am now?

2010-08-31T19:24:00.002+08:00

I realised how much I've changed. May be good, may be bad. Problems I faced made me stronger and as time goes by, I start to know what I want. I had made many mistakes, but without these mistakes, I'm sure I wouldn't have grown up so much. God indeed gave me those problems for a reason.

I really learn alot for this one month. I see how Melvyn manage the event. He's..impressive. Really impressive. He's english, way of managing problem, the way he protects his policy, how firm he is really shock me. He's a normal human being but he is so successful that I know I can never be like him nomatter how hard I work. He's.. really impressive. The best leader, I ever met.

Chris, he teaches me a lot. Really a lot. I enjoy talking to him. Really. If he's not married, I want to marry him! :)

Seriously, all the YOG volunteers are suprising. They, really made me life. Just by that, I love them enough. I'm sure this period of time is a time I can never forget. May be even the biggest thing that I participate in my life. And the reason of enjoying it is not because I get many benefits but I got those experience that nobody can take away from me and I know I can never use money to buy it.

PS: Everytime I read that note, I know I'm not good enough.

2010-08-29T21:52:00.000+08:00

Exams, if you think you gonna kill me, you're WRONG. I gonna pass you instead!

2010-08-27T19:41:00.002+08:00

You like her, she don't like you. She likes you, you don't like her. You like him, he don't like you. He likes you, you don't like him. Isn't all this common?

2010-08-25T21:09:00.002+08:00

I can't explain why I felt so happy.

You know, it've been so long since we talked so normally. :D

I was smiling like some idiot out there, but I didn't even attempt to hide my happiness because..it've been so long, so long since I felt so happy.

I have to admit I felt worried about us ending the conversation in a cold way again but.. I'm glad, this time, we did not.

PS: Let this stays in place, let us talk so normally and not affect this friendship anymore. I believe we can because I'm finally ready to move on. :)

2010-08-22T21:30:00.002+08:00

He impressed me.

He wasn't successful in his studies, he went through a long way. But he proved that, he can still be successful in his life. Who says people who end their education early means they won't be able to earn a big sum of money? Who says being success need a clean background? He proved people wrong, how successful he is now influence me to go even further. His success let me understand nobody have the right to say they can't be successful.

He shocked me. He let me understand, people can attract you not by their looks, identity, smartness or money. You get attracted just because they have such wonderful character that whatever you onced mind can be written off.

If he's not married, if he's slightly younger, I'll defitnately fall for him. His wife is a bless woman. :)

2010-08-21T10:32:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to say but I just want to update my blog. I just want to say, although I've wasted so much of my time, I've lost all my pride on you, I've get so sad and disappointed because of you, I've changed our friendship, no one is supporting me, I know it's hard for us to get back to normal but I love you. :)

2010-08-17T23:31:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just can't help myself from having the urge to ask you, "Can you move on?".

I'm feeling so guilty, so scared every moment now. Whenever my phone vibrants, I feel so stress up. I love talking to him, that's the fact. I love him as a friend, that's another fact. I don't want to lose him, that's one more fact. All the while, he's here, always always here for me. I once took away my trust but he gained it back. When he send me that long long message, I know he's serious about it but, things work two sides isn't it?

At times I really can't find the line between like and love. I know I have to be more firm, but I really don't want to hurt him. I'm really real bad. I attempt to stop everything but everytime he ask for something, I don't have the courage to say no because I know that disappointed feeling. I just don't want him to feel like how I felt.

2010-08-06T22:26:00.002+08:00

He somehow meant something to me, but I just, don't know how to explain it.

Eversince the first time I met him, those type of impression is already deep enough for me to remember him forever. His unique character allow me to get so amazed by everything he've done. His good brain and SOMETIME being so polite made me really admire him. He has some weird behaviour that people can hardly accept but because he's the one who ave this character, people accept it. He allow me to know him better and he reports to me things he don't report to everyone, and this made me feel special and obviously proud. I do love listening and talking to him. He always always put someone in pending mode which really interest me. From the start till now, from don't care to care and from classmate to friend, every of this process I enjoyed it. I can feel him trusting me and therefore, I made sure I'm trustworthy.

PS: This amazing feeling is cool, but after this month, whether this weak relationship of us will be able to continue is a challange. I really hope, I won't lose him as a friend.

2010-08-04T20:07:00.002+08:00

那种快乐不是应该的。

I tried to stop myself from being too excited, feeling too happy over it but.. I can't. I know this excitment, happiness might turn another way round in a spilt seconds but.. just by thinking, I feel bless enough. It's a chance isn't it? How long I've lost it? How long I've been missing it and wanting it back? I onced let go of it, this time round if I have a chance, I won't anymore.

Just let me having it one more time, once is enough. Let me get those feelings back for one day, half a day would be enough. That feeling of walking round and walking, squeezing my brain how to start a topic and finally start a topic. The time of talking is not enough but, I'm happy enough.

PS: I support whatever decision you're making. I'm scared, yes. But, as long as it's what you want. Go ahead. :)

2010-07-29T20:17:00.002+08:00

Time pass really fast nowadays, I could barely catch up. Sometimes I just hope time can like stop for awhile. Maybe just one hour is enough. Let me take a break, let me clear my mind and let me do what I want. There're so many things I really want to do but I've lack of time. There're so many things I can onced do and now I can't.

When he told me he almost died, I feel.. scared. I know how bad I'll feel if he really happens. I don't want to go back the time when I lost CH. I can't go through that again.

PS: I stop talking to you not because I'm angry that you lied to me, but because I don't want to give you a chance to leave me when I start to need you.

2010-07-27T21:22:00.002+08:00

The fact is, I'm not happy. I'm not enjoying my life. I hate to go school, I know I'm like a 6 year old girl now who come saying, "I hate school, can I not go school?". But I can't help. I still don't have that wonderful thing that motivates me to go school. Friends, what I'm studying and the school, none of them allow me to have the motivation going school. How bad can that be? I don't know. I'm not happy because I can't spend quality time with my family, I hate this. I've tried so hard to balance everything but I can't, I just can't. I want back my weekend, those days I used to rest myself, go my grandmother house, or even, happily working. I lost those. I'm not happy because I can't do what I want to do anymore. I'm living for others, not myself anymore. Shouldn't I love myself more? Why must I stop myself from doing things people not like? What about me? I want to do, why can't I? I hate it when my life is corrupted and people keep coming in my life, and I hate myself for allowing them to enter, allowing them to screw it and then leave happily. I don't scold you, I don't blame you and when I say it's okay does not mean I'm not hurt! I'm timid, I don't have those courage letting things happen again and again. I'm enough! Who knows my pain? Your just love to ask and ask me questions, love to betray and betray my trust. I'm tired I'm really tired. I need to rest. I hate to work for money, I hate to stay because I've no choice, I hate to think for others, I hate to accept new things, I hate adapting to new environment, I hate to not spend enough time with my family, friends and even myself. I don't even know what I want! I'm tired, truly tired. I hate hoping and hoping, thinking and thinking, repeating and repeating.

PS: The only thing I'm happy with now is, at least I'm finally honest with myself.

2010-07-23T20:27:00.002+08:00

Because I'm stubborn, therefore we ended up like this..

You gave me hints again and again, but I ignored it again and again. Its not because I don't understand, it's because.. I don't bare to let go you get it? When I recieved your reply that time, I closed my eyes before opening it, I don't know when I got this habit from but, when I opened my eyes, why, why is your reply still so cold towards me? Do you talk to everyone elses like that too?

PS: I've been waiting that day for long. But both of us.. it's fated.

2010-07-16T21:02:00.002+08:00

After a few days of thinking, I'm glad I feel better.

I felt more relieve at first, however, I couldn't sleep the whole night that day. That feeling was, disappointed. Really disappointed. I don't know what to say at that moment, my mind was blank, seriously, totally blank. I have so much to say, to explain but it's pointless isn't it?

Now I know who is the real thinker.

I know you're using me, but I allow you to. Why? I don't know.

PS: I'm okay. :)

2010-07-13T20:13:00.003+08:00

Eversince ChanHong passed away, I know how much I've changed. I always have this fear of losing someone is split seconds. I know a person can never stay with me forever, nothing is forever, and some goes for feeling.

Remember how sad I was when ChanHong left me. Someone I look forward to meet every year. Someone I used to have feelings for and someone, I always always admire. I thought I could really be friends with him for long but, why? Why bring him away from me? Shouldn't he live happily like how he taught people? Why can't he live longer to cheer more people up? Until now, whenever I remember him, I still feel that..pain. The non-stop thinking, tearing and not moving on for months is not fake. And I believe all those fear were form since then.

When he first told me what he wants to do with me, when he first showed me his sincere, when he first promised me, my mind set was, come on, how can it be true? Not even once, he didn't do as what he said. Not even once, he forced me to say something. He's like the one who will always stay with me. Just one text, he's here. Just a word, he take it so seriously. Just a walk, he felt so happy. His sincere, simple, made me have no reason to not trust him. I've gone to an extend that I don't even have the heart to hurt him, I just want to protect him. I don't want see him, thinking so much, hurting. When I let him go, I thought I can take all these. I thought, I totally don't need him in my life. Now, he moved on, after making promises, tell me how much he love me, how much he can't move on, still, he's gone. I should be happy for him, I know. I'm happy for him because I have no doubt she can make him happier. But, how can I not feel anything after I lost someone who is so sincere to me? I tried so hard to sustain the friendship but I don't even know how to reply him normally and even type the most common "haha". I'm so sorry, I can;t help feeling bad, feeling crap. I swear, this is worst that the previous. The previous I was sad because I feel cheated, but this time, he did not cheat me, I was the one who allow him to go.

Someone just told me, "Weishan, I don't like you, I love you. I really do although I know you don't trust me. I really care a lot about you, I want the best for you and that is why I don't need you to be with me. Your happiness matters more, not being with me." Then he said, "I'll love you forever." It's touching isn't it? But his last sentence only made me laugh. Forever, are you sure? Do you know how long forever last?

ChanHong, I'm freaking down now. Can you tell me what to do? Where? Where is your 24/7? Didn't you once said you're 24/7 available?

2010-07-10T23:41:00.002+08:00

Feel so disappointed that my party host didn't turn up today. Not because she caused me getting much questioning but, I was really looking forward to that party. Maybe, not just that, every single party I did, I take it seriously. And I guess thats where my disappointment come from whenever something goes wrong for my party.

I just hope she can produce a valid reason.

PS: History, please stop repeating.

2010-07-04T21:58:00.002+08:00

Went Changi Village with my family for dinner. There were so many stalls and I was so confused what to eat. Haha! When I got to choose, I don't know which I want best. I love having dinner with my family because I believe it bonded us everytime. :)

When I was walking around the shop at Changi Village, I saw this foreigner standing in front of the shelf. He was looking at the loaf of bread for so long. Counting the number of bread again and again. Not like what we do, often just take and go, have you ever count there were how many bread inside? And, since when we're happy when we're eating it?

He might be poor, he might be different from us and we often despise them for where they come from, what job they're working. But, I guess at times, I think we should reflect on ourselve than just laughing at them.

2010-07-03T10:58:00.002+08:00

People often feel put down if they feel they're not as good looking as other.

He likes her, but just because she onced rejected so many guys better than him, he backed out. When I heard him saying this, I seriously feel like punching him. But in real life, how many people would want to step this step further to hurt themselve? There're certain things you know you can't. But you too know, there're certain things you can change if you make an effort to. People don't lose because they're not good enough, suitable enough. They lost because they fail to have the will to fight. Isn't if you tried to fight for it, you feel better? At least, you got an answer for yourself. At keast, you didn't disappoint yourself. Rejections are part of our life, with rejection, we'll never be better, never get stronger. I would just like to tell him, your personality win a million of better looking guy out there. And I'm serious.

2010-07-01T22:12:00.002+08:00

I accepted who they are, but they fail to accept who I am.

2010-06-30T21:03:00.002+08:00

When simple is so much more better.

"WeiShan, you're still young, still naive, there are many things you've haven't experience, you don't understand." I often recieve this comment from people. Well, I never thought it was something good until today when I started to reflect. Naive, why can't you stay with me even longer?

Time passed, things changed, no doubt about that. But, can thinking stay as the same?

Eversince 15, I start to have my own goal, I worked hard for it. I always believe, when someone is good, you can always still be better. And that's one of the reason I had never stop trying, never stop moving on. After I have my goal, whenever I look at people who have no goal, no direction. I wonder why, how can that get motivated like that? But today, I see a different side of them. They're people you often find them no threat, simple, at the same time he have no stress. So.. having no goals isn't that bad isn't it? At least, they're not ambitious and have the fear of losing.

Why must life be so difficult. Why can't we wear something we feel comfortable with than something other people think is nice? Since when we must live for others and follow what people think? Whats the point of wearing something you feel uncomfortable with just to please other people?

As technology improve, we tends to want something more. Want something with the most applications, fuctions and the latest. Why can't we be like Nicholas, who told me, " You want such a good phone for what? For me, as long as you can call and text, it's enough." Isn't that what phone is use for?

" I feel so sad, because he treat me so badly." ,"But who cares, life still move on, he's just a small part of my life." I once said that but I seems to lost that idea of life. Life is not supposed to be affected by certain people. Because you are supposed to be happy isn't it? Didn't until now I still always say, "Who am I, Teo Wei Shan leh. You think I scared?" Sadness, you wait, you're soon leaving my life!

"I love you forever." Drama always have this sentence, I onced believe. But come on, where that "forever" come from?

Seriously, after typing all these I realised how much I've changed. My thinking, my life is so different now. There're certain things I know I've changed for the good but I guess there're certain things I should really reflect on myself. Where's the WeiShan whose only goal is be happy?

PS: I gonna find that Wei Shan out.

2010-06-20T22:35:00.002+08:00

Continue hurting, until I finally fall apart. This time round, give me no excuses to fall for you once again in the future. It's near.

PS: abcdefgiklmnopqrstuvwxyz

2010-06-18T23:26:00.002+08:00

The day I really leave you, is it really a relieve to you?

Yong Jie: Ignored him, when he's bored he'll come and find you.
Me: Must it only when he's bored then he talk to me?

PS: When you have so many thoughts that you can't even put them into sentence but just keep typing, "You don't appreciate me." what does it mean?

I'm human, I hate rejection. I'm human, I need care from the one I like. I'm human, I need some response. I'm human, I need some respect. I'm human, I need to be appreciate. I'm not a guy, who people always think should learn to take all these.

Every single time I'm in facebook, I'll go to search and type your name.

Do you know I hate stop loving you?
Do you know I hate telling people the guy I like don't like/appreciate/talk/care for me?
Do you know I hate sharing because me myself is sick of not getting over you?
Do you know I hate talking to you because it hurts after every conversation but I can't help starting it?
Do you know I hate doing things for you again and again?
Do you know I'm an idiot in people's eye?
Do you know how hard I'm trying?
Do you know how depress I am now?
Do you know I think you're doing the right thing?
Do you know how much you changed me?
Do you know what I want?
Do you know how much I hate myself for loving you?
Do you know, one day I'll leave you?

2010-06-17T20:02:00.002+08:00

" Why didn't I choose him? " This question popped out when he companied me all the way till 2am just because he knew he was needed. Eversince I know him, he had never leave me alone whenever someone was needed. He know me in and out, he think for me nomatter what the situation is. He had never say it but I'm always his priority. He was once the one I love but I gave him up. Not because I can't see hope between us, not because whatever mistake he could make but...

Geraldine: "WeiShan, I can't believe you did this, I'm really disappointed in you."

I let him go with much thinking,
but my heart simply wasn't there anymore.

I love him for how sincere he is, I thought nobody can ever compare with him anymore but I'm wrong, it was that easy to take over him because another him come into the picture one again.

2010-06-12T21:28:00.002+08:00

When it just started, I knew it was something that is wrong. I tried stopping myself but.. I thought as time goes by it'll fade off easily. But I guess I kind if under estimated this weird feeling of mine. School started, I don't see him that often anymore but I guess this holiday has made this weird feeling even stronger.

PS: I hope I'm not dropping in another black hole.

2010-06-12T10:43:00.003+08:00

Curiousity made me go futher, I've finally come to this point that I believe is where I always wanted. When I finally thought of leaving, many thoughts went through my mind. I hate to accept that's the last thing I could contribute and the most hurting moment is when I thought of the time I've spend there.

This 2+ years I spend, I could say happily, real happily. When it's come to a point you don't work for just the money anymore. I could see a smile on my face when I'm walking towards it but not in school. Isn't that real interesting? After I come so far, finally I realised this something that enable me to stay is not the most recent achievement I've got, but the ever first thing I started doing there. I've no doubts I made the right decision for going futher. But, I know which had really bring joy to my life.

2010-06-11T14:18:00.002+08:00

After listenin to her story I find her so dumb, but when I look at myself, how much more clever am I? Remember how disgusted I felt that time, remember how stunt I was in front of the computer and how reluntant I was to accept all that. But what happened next? I love him even more.

Maybe what Mandy say was right, you're just a motivation for me to carry on.

2010-06-07T20:36:00.002+08:00

Whenever something small happened, I text you because I want your attention. But when the biggest thing happen you'll never be the one I turn to because I know you'll never be there.

2010-05-31T11:27:00.002+08:00

Every single time I enter facebook and see his picture, every single time my phone vibrates, every single time I think about how is he feeling, my heart starts to beat fast and I could feel it aching.

PS: When the word "sorry" does not take effects anymore.

2010-05-28T22:28:00.002+08:00

"It's all my fault."

I didn't want to hurt you, but I guess I'm hurting you deeper. We've crossed the line, we are no longer at the right track. I love talking to you but at times, I felt stress. It became a mission instead of a common conversation. It's like a everyday routine, it's like I have to do it in order to not hurt you. Sometimes I'm really tired, I feel like I'm not happy. You get it? I hate that feeling but I hate even more when I know if I failed to do what you want, I'll hurt you.

I thought by dragging it, things will get better, I thought by talking to you everyday I won't hurt you that much, I thought..but now I realised all I thought was not real. I'm hurting you even more, I'm hurting someone so sincere and true to me. I'm an idiot, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

PS: I know this gonna be cruel, to me or to you. But could we just handle our emotions well can get a better life? You worth someone even better..

2010-05-27T21:10:00.002+08:00

Walking down the steps, thoughts just run through my mind.

I was holding that plastic, with my gift and card in it. My heart was beating real fast, I was real nervous. I walked through the crowds without feeling I'm surrounded by people but felt nervous because I'm doing something I really wanted to do for you. You didn't appreciate by maybe you did. I remember the moment I walked away and left you. My heart weights even heavier than me myself. How I hope I could just stay there for a little while more but my pride told me, "It's enough."

Time passed, we grew older, we went seperate ways but memories had never fade. You're still the one I felt secure with, still the one I hope to depend and the one I really love. And, yes, I use the word, love.

2010-05-26T12:25:00.002+08:00

" The past convinced me that the future will be the same. "

Sometimes the simplest sentence express best my feeling, because it's just plain...

2010-05-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

I felt so controlled, controlled by my feelings. Tell me, doing what I want is right or wrong? That line is so visible but then I can never stop myself from going over the line to do what I want.

PS: He's getting nicer and nicer, but my mind is telling me, he'll leave one day because one day he'll too move on.

2010-05-20T21:02:00.002+08:00

When someone finally pluck up their courage to do something, what do they expect?

Me: Omg, so am I not going to see you again?
Him: Ya.
Me: Huh..
Him: Tsk! you have my number, I have your number, you still scared cannot contact each other?

Suddenly remember this conversation with him when I was on the way back from school. I remember how I told him that that time, I was so sad and reluntant to leave. Haa. Time flies isn't it? Both of changed so much now, in terms of both looks and character.

Whats the point of contacting each other when our conversation, is only left with pain? Sometimes I really find myself a nuisance. Why? Why can't I just bloody move on and let you off? WHY? Is that call perserver or stubborn?

2010-05-14T20:11:00.002+08:00

Finally spend some time with Haziz after two weeks! Had much talking with him, it's real nice. As usual, we had lots of crappy talk and funny things seems to happen in sequence! Haha! He had seriously made my day. And Yat, omg, that funny fella. He made me laugh like what! Haha! Can't wait for the next going back home day with them! :)

WeiShan: What bus can you take?
Yat: I can take 17, 28, 39, .....
WeiShan: So much?
Yat: Actually still have you know, you go see behind the board, still got one bus.

This is what he cheated me, argh! Hahaha!

** You're the one I hope coming to tell me that. I don't mind you being the last but.. you didn't even make it for the last..

PS: I guess I'm not a nice person.

2010-05-11T20:31:00.002+08:00

So many things are stressing me nowadays.

I'm sure what I need most is my family and friends support. I clearly know they are the one pushing me to go further. They made me move on nomatter how difficult my life is not. Sometimes I really feel like giving up and just let everything go but I know I can't. I don't want to disappoint anyone including myself. Things happened too fast, the sudden change didn't give me extra time to prepare for it, therefore I'm now here struggling to adapt.

"If you believe you can, YOU CAN! "

I said this to people uncountable times, now, I gonna say this to myself.

2010-05-08T11:16:00.002+08:00

"Weishan, you promised me!"

Yes, I promised her. In fact, I promised to treat myself better too. I know it's never hard if I want to, I know it's the best way for us. Sometimes, I felt really unfair. Why must I be the one giving up my feelings? Can't you do something for me for once? "Don't you feel sad when you know like him so much when you can't get him?", now people tell me, who don't? I'm a normal human too, despite how much I insist I'm strong, I can take all these but when everything adds up together, I don't seems to feel happy anymore. I can't deny you affected my mood, my confident and one more thing, my trust and what I once believe. You had totally destroy my dream. You made me believe, it's impossible to get all those anymore.

When you know someone is coming into your life, whats the first thing you think?
I.. think of you first.

I've a weird feeling, I'm waiting, at the same time I feel afraid. Afraid the day that I have to let you go is coming.

PS: I dressed up the same way, hoping what happened, happen once again. But, I failed.

2010-05-03T20:29:00.002+08:00

Monday: It's Monday! New week!

Tuesday: It's the second day, it's near weekend again.

Wednesday: YAY! It's the middle day of the week! The week gonna end!

Thursday: Whoo~ Second last day!

Friday: YAY!

That was how I motivate myself all the while but I realised, I lost it.

2010-05-01T21:30:00.002+08:00

I turned and looked around, I saw the shop I got you something, without a second thought I walked there and take a look. I realised, it wasn't there anymore..

I sat on the bus, I turned and looked at the seat I sat when I was on the way to your house. I remembered how I felt that time.

I looked at the path I once walked with Mandy, I remembered how much courage I used to delete your number.

I read what my friend text me, he said, "I'll get back to you later.". This reminded me, how many times when you said that to me, you really got back me?

2010-04-24T21:46:00.002+08:00

Accept who they really are.

People often accept who I am, the way I act, the way I talk, the way I think and the who I really am. I'm sure I'm lucky for that but I guess I'm not smart enough and grateful enough because I don't seems to know how to accept who they are. My mind seems to be fixed, seems to be constand. I want this and I shall get this kind of thinking. I always thought I could accept and adapt to different type of peoplem, whereas surroundings proved to me I can't. I hope I didn't realised this too late and I hope people around me could give me time to improve on this and let me appreaciate who they really are.

PS: I'm happy, I've started to accept them and, like them.

Some people get into relationship because both parties are deeply in love with each other and fate don't seems to allow them to seperate despite of 12345 reasons. Whereas some people get into relationship because they want to. So whats the reason for them needing to get into a relationship? Tell people they belong to someone? To get security? To show off to people they are wanted? Or they're lonely?
I can't say these people are wrong because they have their own needs that they think they have to get. But maybe, I guess, with such thinking, the relationship won't go far unless........... I don't know.

I don't do all those for you to think that I'm helping out. I did all those because I want to help sincerely. I don't ask much, or you can say I didn't ask for anything. What I ask for is, you can think more for us and please, though I don't help for show but I believe I still like you to appreciate me and not saying, "you didn't do anything".

2010-04-19T21:04:00.003+08:00

This feelings sucks, I had seriously never felt like that before. I know I tried to run away but I won't allow myself. This makes me even more stress. I really feel stress, very stress. You know, my dream, my family, my friends and my pride is really pushing me but why do I always feel weak when I'm facing them. I had never want to be the center of attention, I just want to get over it and mix around. I'm so tired but people, trust me, I believe I can get over, I can face it bravely and I won't force anything. Please, let me be stronger, let me have more strength and let me be honest to myself.

2010-04-10T23:00:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really hate people thinking I know nothing about whats going on, because at times I know more than you do.

Drama often give people a wrong of life.

PS: I took up my phone, I looked at it and I put it down. I took up my phone again, I looked at it again and I put it down again. I don't even know since when a "Hi, what are you doing?" is so hard to text it out. I can't even remember how many times this starting msg hurt me. Sometimes I feel like throwing my phone away because thats where our friendship turns sour. Now, let me try it one more time and end it alright? Nomatter how our last conversation will be, let my last courage try achieving something pleasant from you.

2010-04-09T10:04:00.002+08:00

Supposed to attend my pre-orientation camp today but I passed it. Feel real bad but shall be selfish this time. :)

" You're my best friend. "

I believe I'll never forget this sentence he texted me. Whether I'm still his best friend, I know, this friend of mine will never leave me alone. It seems to be a habit, whenever I have problems, I love to talk to him and my first sentence is always, "I'm sad.". And he'll never fail to crack his brain to console me. He was the once spending time teaching me math and talking to me on phone. He was the one who supported me all along last year. He was the one who makes me happy. He is the one who can make me happy just by talking on phone with him. He is the one I love so much, he is the one I need so badly. I can't imagine my life without him. He don't have to know a single thing happening to me, he will just show me, he's there for me. I'm very sure nobody can take over him because the care he gave me is what I can never get from others, because its always the most sincere. Thanks for all these ZhiJie, though we rarely meet up now but thats what made me treasure you even more. :)

PS: I love the talk ytd.:)

2010-04-07T12:04:00.002+08:00

" You're lucky, because you know how to share your thoughts. "

My friend once told me that, I thought I was lucky too. I love to share, I love to tell people my thoughts, my feelings and my emotional. Just by sharing, I feel better. But, I seems to lose that ability to share. There's something so close to my heart that I couldn't explain, couldn't express.

I once said, "God is never unfair, they take away something from you but they'll somehow return you something." I thought I could agree to this statement forever. There're so many things in life I haven't experience, I haven't understand and I haven't gone through. Now god, you took something so important away, what are you giving us back? I don't hope for more, could you just not take anymore from us anymore? Let things stay as what it is. Please.

2010-04-04T19:33:00.002+08:00

Now I'm going through the lowest point of my life and I suddenly remembered, didn't I once realised I don't need you?

2010-04-01T21:55:00.002+08:00

THE STRENGTH IS IN ME.

It gonna be a tough year, though I'm feeling weak and tired but... I'll stay strong!

2010-04-01T17:34:00.002+08:00

God must be playing around with me. Natural allows me to find myself back but fate takes something important away from me. Can we make another deal? I rather to be sad, to live in a stupid way, can we start all over again?

PS: We have our own goals, we have our own dreams and I have my own target to achieve. I want to earn enough money to support my family, I want to achieve something my family can be proud of, I want to have a bright future and give my parent the best. I thought that will be what we need most but now I realised, the most important thing is, I want my family to be healthy and safe.

2010-03-31T11:18:00.002+08:00

I know you're avioding me, I don't blame you, I guess this is the best for both of us. You should not be friendly anymore and I should not get the wrong signal again. Purpose of talking was to test my feelings once again but I guess I somehow failed moving on again. Haa. I thought I could faced it all in a calm way but I realised I still..somehow care about it. But, I'm not sad because that won't affect my life. I have to say, you're not as important as ever anymore. I'll move on one day. Am I right? :)

I'm so sorry, Jing Han

PS: Going cycling and blading with EK peeps today. Guess it gonna be a nice day and also, hope Maeve will GET WELL SOON! :)

2010-03-29T11:11:00.002+08:00

The fear of losing made me selfish, made me greedy. I thought when I get everything, I won't lose what I really want but I realised, I lost myself. I wanted the most simple thing in life. But my fear bought me hurting myself and others.

I'm glad I'm still contented, and thats what made me still ME! :)

PS: Give me a bit more time, I CAN find myself BACK! REAL SOON! :)

2010-03-27T21:44:00.003+08:00

"CURIOUSITY KILLS", this phrase is defitnately true to a certain extend.

I'm willing to wait for anything except for an answer. Nomatter in what case, school work, lessons, any briefing, any occasion that I need an answer, I'll do whatever stupid things to get that answer. Nomatter that little facts affect me or not, I need that answer to move on. I love to ask questions because thats how I learn, thats how I make myself move on. That might be the most little thing you could find but trust me, thats the most important thing I use to carry on with my daily life.

People: So what if you get to know?
Me: I'll feel better.

PS: When I get to earn more, when I get higher pay than anyone, when I got tips from customers, this sense of happiness can never be compared with when you get a smile from your customer, a "thank you" from your customer and a nod your boss gave you.

Everyone has their own goals, that might be something big or something achievable but, when is the best moment? When you finally achieved your goals or when you thought back about the process of achieving your goal?

2010-03-26T11:59:00.002+08:00

Hello people, my long holiday is coming to an end. Very soon, I'll be a student again, a poly student this time round. I'm really looking forward towards it although it'll be a almost a hour journey to school and I'll ave to do that 5 times a week, I believe after three years, I'll be someone I expected myself to be. :)

Time passed really fast, it was Grandma's hundred days this tuesday. We've actually lost her fr hundred days. Life goes on but I can still feel that empty part in my heart. Why left us so early? I haven't did what a grand-daughter should do, I haven't have the courage to approach you when I see you feeling terrible and I haven't learn my hokkien well to communicate with you. Though I told myself, I never had a regret in my life because whatever I did, I thought through and I only did what I like, what I want but now I realised, regrets don't only occured when you made a wrong decision but also when you didn't cherish someone enough. And that was defitnately one of my regret. I love her, to the core I swear but who knows why my courage can't bring me far. I'm glad before you left, I finally picked up my courage to hold your hand.

PS: I have the cutest grandma on earth, she loves me and I love her. Rest in peace.

Had a jogging session with Maeve and Yong Jie. Or you can say..they watched me jog. Lol! Cause they were too tired after jogging from Downtown East to my place. It was quite funny when I met them, that tired face. Lol! Had breakfast together after that. Nice time having some talks with them. :) Looking forward to another jogging session with them. :)

I spend more than half of my holiday on work. Not just others, me myself thought I had totally wasted my holiday. But recently I realised how much I've learned within this whole holiday. Mny things happened, good one bad one. Good one defitnately makes me happy though I can't recollect any nice things that happened now but..ya. Haha! Bad things, I know I defitnately learned something from it. I feel stronger now. Really. Though I might lost something precious but..I know someone will be able to help me find that back. :)

Tell me whats the point telling me you understand what I'm saying when your actions showed me, you're still holding back or I can say, I've lost you?

2010-03-24T18:57:00.002+08:00

SHE DON'T BLAME YOU.

2010-03-23T00:32:00.002+08:00

I remember when I was young, I tried to brain wash myself from giving up someone I liked by using this method. I should try this again. Hahaha!

Is he quiet? (average.)
Is he 170am tall? (yes.)
Is he nice to me? (no.)
Can I trust him? (Shit, can't answer. But I guess I still. Yes.)
Is he sincere? (I dont know, but shall leave it as no.)
Do I know him well? (no.)
He know me well? (no.)
Do I have feelings for him? (yes.)
Does he like me? (no.)
Can he make me feel secure? (yes.)

So final result will be.. 4.5/10. FAIL. Lol! If round up? OKOK. No such thing. Alright, just too bored. Lol! Funny.

Wait! Lets try on the previous guy I like. Lol! So addictive. Lol!

Is he quiet? (yes)
Is he 170cm tall? (no)
Is he nice to me? (yes)
Can I trust him? (yes)
Is he sincere? (yes)
Do I know him well? (yes)
He know me well? (yes)
Do I have feelings for him? (Now, no)
Does he like me? (yes)
Can he make me feel secure? (no)

So final result is.. 7/10. PASS. Wow. Haha. Shock. This is funnier. Lol! Alright.. byebye!

2010-03-22T01:09:00.001+08:00

When I only want to talk to you but you're not there,

2010-03-21T23:02:00.003+08:00

Had much reflection within a short period of time. How good if disaster could be prevented. Without signal, without warning, you might lose something in the next second. It might be someone important to you, something important to you or even your life. People often don't tresure what they got. They blame, they complain and they never feel enough/satisfied. This is what we are doing in our daily live. We sick and tired of our life, we think that is total rubbish but what about people who are struggling just to survive? We feel tired eating the same food again and again, what about people who dosen't have food to eat? We complain we're not rich. look at people who are poorer than us. I think we should really reflect about our actions and attitude towards life. What we are having now might be what people hope for, what we're having now might be someone's dream and what we're having now might be what someone can never get. You can never compare how bless you are beacause we're always bless for different reasons.

PS: I'm not a kind person.

2010-03-20T23:32:00.002+08:00

Hello people! Had hell lot fun with ZhiHui, Jason, Melvin and my brother yesterday. Sentosa is really an awesome spot to take pictures. Though I didn't got to go Universal Studio which is a waste, I guess I had still enjoyed myself. Went to had the skyride and the luge with my brother. The skyride was simply too high for people like me. I heart was beating so fast but I'm glad I manage to calm myself down, don't even dare to move a little. Lol. But the luge was..! OMG! Fun! Haahaha! I want more! Seriously, not as scary as I thought. Hahaha! I'm glad my brother enjoyed too. :)

Did 3 parties today, things didn't went like perfect but I'm glad it went quite smoothly. Seriously, party co, cashier and playguide. I guess what I'm most suitable with is still playguide. Because of certain reasons.. Hahaha! Alrght, headed for some Community Centre BBQ after work. I didn't see any bbq pit there but dozen of mosquitoes. Lol! I got lost in Pasir Ris Park before that, it was really not a vey nice experience. First, I'm having blister, second my phone is battery low and third! I'm super bad in directions. Argh! But I believe I gained more than I lost. My father and my brother actually walked the whole Pasir Ris Park just to find me. How can I not be touch for that? I know they must have been very worried. Esp my father, the one who always complain the most, he walked the whole park to find me. For the first time he did not grumble. And I believe thats call, uncondition love. It must be. Hahaha! I love my PAPA! And my brother of course. :)

PS: I wasn't afriad because I knew you'll be there.