Monday, October 24, 2011 @ 7:43 PM
I still kind of believe it's a mutual feeling.
For the past one month, it've been so tiring. I feel so drained out, sometimes I feel as if I'm destroying myself slowly. This time, I just feel like backing out, moving on, unlike previous time.
One will never know this feeling. I fall in love with the most complicate guy, I call him unique. I don't mind what he had or did in the past, because I truly like who he is. I accept who he is and therefore I'm never angry when he did not answer my calls, did not reply my text messages, when he made excuses become reasons. We're in two different world, but we enjoy each other's company. We find each other weird, yet, we feel comfortable with each other.
His smile, will be the last thing I want to forget, at least, for now. He made me smile at the smallest thing when I'm alone. We knew each other not long, but I'm sure we've created some memories, or history when we look back in the future.
Those happy moments we spend together, difficult times we went through together, those support we gave each other, we surely, somehow mean something to each other.
I gave the deepest thought about both of us, feeling afraid I would lose another important someone in my life. I chose to lie, to secure what we have.
If my feeling is right, if you really do have feelings for me too, we might be the best example for that two who fall in love yet not meant to be together.
Too many things are between us, so many things, I can't even count. I kept holding back, preventing myself to inject more hope in you. Knowing, one day, we still need to leave each other. Maybe he need someone less serious about relationship, because he know someday, he'll leave that girl for what he love to do in life. He need someone who can accept what he is and not feel down when he gives her less attention. I accept, yet, I'm often affected, because I care way too much.
Edmund, for so many times, I feel like moving forward, going on, leave you, and just maybe find someone who suits me more. I'm happy enough for what we have, you gave me enough, more than what I expected from you. But I'm afraid, afraid of wanting more when at the same time I know that's all you can give me.
I'm pretty much done of trying, if you want me, tell me.