Sunday, August 21, 2011 @ 7:35 PM
I have been very strong, didn't I?
If my life were to end now, I would be so proud of myself. How many "impossible" have turn out possible? How many ups and downs have I overcome? God, did I at least passed your test? I believe I did. You've been throwing me alone, now you should guide me, right?
Do you know how unstable I am? I'm so afraid I can't take any more blows anymore. I feel me falling, I can sense myself breaking into pieces. I love myself, I don't want to destroy myself.
I cried alone in the room, I looked at myself in the mirror, I hated myself, why you so weak? I thought it was enough. I forced my body to the extreme. I worked from day to night, I don't want to think. But I was still crying in the night. I pulled myself, I wiped those tears, how can I destroy "me" again?
I'm scared, I know I miss him. That him who will never return. I miss that him who use to stay with me, the guy I wanted to marry, the guy I wanted to spend my time with. He made me forgot the guy I used to think I can never get over. I miss those time spend with him. But why make me realised, those wasn't him? I fall for someone who had never seems to fall in love with me before.
Pride is holding me back, friends are holding me back, promise are holding me back. My mind have been consistently sending messages to my heart. What if one day I'm tired of reminding myself? Will I break down again? Will I? Tell me. Tell me what will happen next. I don't know who to trust, I don't know what move is right and what is not right. Tell me what to do. I don't want to guess, go trying every different route. I'm lost, very lost.