Tuesday, July 13, 2010 @ 8:13 PM
Eversince ChanHong passed away, I know how much I've changed. I always have this fear of losing someone is split seconds. I know a person can never stay with me forever, nothing is forever, and some goes for feeling. Remember how sad I was when ChanHong left me. Someone I look forward to meet every year. Someone I used to have feelings for and someone, I always always admire. I thought I could really be friends with him for long but, why? Why bring him away from me? Shouldn't he live happily like how he taught people? Why can't he live longer to cheer more people up? Until now, whenever I remember him, I still feel that..pain. The non-stop thinking, tearing and not moving on for months is not fake. And I believe all those fear were form since then.When he first told me what he wants to do with me, when he first showed me his sincere, when he first promised me, my mind set was, come on, how can it be true? Not even once, he didn't do as what he said. Not even once, he forced me to say something. He's like the one who will always stay with me. Just one text, he's here. Just a word, he take it so seriously. Just a walk, he felt so happy. His sincere, simple, made me have no reason to not trust him. I've gone to an extend that I don't even have the heart to hurt him, I just want to protect him. I don't want see him, thinking so much, hurting. When I let him go, I thought I can take all these. I thought, I totally don't need him in my life. Now, he moved on, after making promises, tell me how much he love me, how much he can't move on, still, he's gone. I should be happy for him, I know. I'm happy for him because I have no doubt she can make him happier. But, how can I not feel anything after I lost someone who is so sincere to me? I tried so hard to sustain the friendship but I don't even know how to reply him normally and even type the most common "haha". I'm so sorry, I can;t help feeling bad, feeling crap. I swear, this is worst that the previous. The previous I was sad because I feel cheated, but this time, he did not cheat me, I was the one who allow him to go.Someone just told me, "Weishan, I don't like you, I love you. I really do although I know you don't trust me. I really care a lot about you, I want the best for you and that is why I don't need you to be with me. Your happiness matters more, not being with me." Then he said, "I'll love you forever." It's touching isn't it? But his last sentence only made me laugh. Forever, are you sure? Do you know how long forever last? ChanHong, I'm freaking down now. Can you tell me what to do? Where? Where is your 24/7? Didn't you once said you're 24/7 available?