Wednesday, March 03, 2010 @ 7:57 PM
I clearly knows how much you meant to me. Maybe you were never that impotant to me but I can't deny what happened during this one year have made you to me someone I really rely badly on. The one who companied me when I was really down, during my exam period, the one who touched me by your words and patience and someone who always listened to me. I had never admitted but I'm deeply touched and I do secretly want this to continue forever. Being afraid of losing is the main reason I'm feeling hurt now. I hate to accept the fact that someone who cares about me is shifting his care to someone else. I was really disappointed, angry and sad, but I know I won't have the courage to lose you. I once said you're important to me. You're still and thats why nomatter how difficult it is, I will let this friendship move on.This is defitnately not the only reason that is driving me crazy."People tends to lose things because they want it too much." This defitnately applies to me. I'm not losing you, I've lost you long ago. The sad part is I'm not admitting it and I'm still struggling. This was a post I drafted on 22Feb, I told myself when I'm really ready to move on, I'll post this out and I'm finally ready.Three years. Geraldine hate me saying this, "With him in my life, no one can enter my life anymore." Nomatter how true this statement actually is, I'm sure it's true to a certain extent. How many times have you take over someone's place in my heart? How many times have I give up every good things around me just for you? And this is the how many time my life get crash by you again. I don't even know how to count, how to make some logical sense to these. After many many times of disappointment, reject, ignore and rudeness from you I'm shock I had still never thought of move on without you. My mind tells me I want to but had my heart ever did the same thing? This reminds of what I saw in Emma's notebook, "I can erase you from my mind, but erasing you from my heart is a different thing." People see me as stubborn, gulible, childish and not being realistic. Maybe I am, but at least I know I'm clear of what I'm doing. I know what I'll get and what I'll not. I'll never forget the moment Maeve ask me, "Do you think its possible between your?" This sentence really brought a sense of loneliness to me. I'm the only one holding on this..complicated relationship, trying so hard to at least to be friend, trying so hard to continue our conversation and dont let what I know stop what I'm doing. You'll never understand the feeling when I answered Maeve, "What I'm thinking is what you're thinking." My heart really shattered at that moment. Everytime I recieved his reply, you won't understand how heavy my heart is, I can even guess how many words or sentence I'll be recieving. I find it really funny when I told my friend texting him is like texting myself because I know what is he'll be saying next. I laughed, I find it funny but after every laugh I know my heart deeply hope for more. I'm so sick and tired of finding topics and you know how disgusted I felt after I was left with no choice and I have to talk so childishly just to st least drag the conversation a bit more? I swear I hate that but I just can't stop myself from doing because I have no choice! Without doing that I don't know what am I supposed to do. PS: I'm just finding a place to let out all these, no other intension.PS: I don't know how disappointed my heart is now, I don't know how my heart can accept. I don't know whether I'll turn back again once again but I'm really tired. My heart is like dropping now. Right now, I can't even support the weight of my heart. But anyway, I'm really sorry for irrtating you all these while. I'm sorry. Sorry.My family is having too much problems that I'm really lost. I don't even know how to use words to express. I'm scared. My health problem is really stressing me and I'm really..I don't know.There seems to be non-stop things bugging me. I can't even concentrate at times. I got so stress up that I swear I'm going to break apart. I don't know how much more I got to accept. I don't know how much more to come and I don't know how much I'm going to lose later. The fear I have is really adding on and spoiling whatever I want. I can't even breathe normally now.